|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| Lately, magazines, TV, and newspapers have been getting to me. I used to think I couldn't let them affect me, but it looks like I have to take that back. With billboards and tabloids and ads glamorizing stick thin models everywhere I look, it's so hard not to feel inadequate. It's so easy to feel ugly and unbeautiful. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that people will like me more if I were thinner, had less zits, or were a little taller. It sounds shallow, I know. I'm a YC leader. I'm supposed to be beyond all this. But everytime I resolve not to let it get to me, I look around and see someone thinner/prettier/taller and I find myself inadverdently comparing myself to them and wishing I looked like them. Superchic[k] managed to capture perfectly how I feel when they sang:
It's not like they meant to hurt me
Watchin TV, checkin Britney, televised, my guys
Checkin out her thighs and I roll my eyes and sigh
It's not like I even need to be competing with unreality TV, fantasy
Not for a smart girl like me
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
CHORUS:
Sometimes I have good days and it's good to be me
Sometimes I get the best of insecurity
And it's quite alright to be the one and only
But today I feel like the one and lonely
It's not that I don't know beauty is only skin deep
Just the skin I'm in, not the girl within
But one imperfection takes away my grin
Not that I think I'm ugly but
Acne throws me for a backslide
I won't go outside
Makeup can't hide how I feel inside
Some days it's hard to be a one girl revolution
CHORUS
(Oh, the one and lonely)
We all have bad hair days
Those nothing good about me days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on
We have our yesterdays
No lunch cuz the jeans don't fit days
Just keep moving on cuz they'll be gone
And we'll still be here going on
CHORUS:
Sometimes I have bad days and it's hard to be me
Sometimes I get brought down by insecurity
And I have my days where I'm the one and lonely
But today I choose to be the one and only
Yea, I'm the one and only
At times like these, it helps to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and that God loves me no matter what I look like or who I am. It's because of him that I don't have to be popular, thin, and beautiful to feel loved. It's because of him that I can be secure with who I am. And because I can feel secure and happy with me in Him, I am blessed.
It's at times like these I'm forced to focus on God and find my security not in how many compliments I got about my hair today, how much weight I've lost, or how flawless my skin is, but simply in who God is. That's when God tells me again, "It's not about you. It's about ME." And again, I have to remind myself that it's not about me. It never was. It's all about HIM. And He is the best thing I can ever have - not my looks, not my material possessions, not even my family or friends. And He is ALL I need - everything I need. No more, no less.
Mat 5:5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." | | |
| This morning I was having a little question and answer session with God in the school toilet. Or more like a 'many-question' session. It went something like this:
"God, how much longer of this??
"How much longer before I can smile again without hurting inside?
"How much longer do I have to put on a smile and say "I'm okay" when people ask me how I'm doing?
"How much longer till I can get through the day without shedding some tears?
"Lord, what are you doing in my life? Why is it that I can't seem to see why you're letting me go through what I'm going through?
"Why is it that other people seem to prosper despite their complaining?
"When will you show me what you have in store for me?
"When's my turn, God??!!!"
.... SILENCE.
"God, I don't know how I'm going to get through another day of school. Help me. I need you."
Later, as I began to think and ponder, answers to my questions began coming.
How much longer, Lord, of feeling so weak and helpless?
"Until you learn to lean on ME for your strength."
How much longer, God, of hating myself and feeling like crap?
"Until you realize that you're precious and I UNIQUELY DESIGNED you.
When will I see what you have for me, God?
"When You learn to trust."
Why are you putting me through all this?
"To make you as gold purified through the flames."
And as I read the message translation of the beatitudes, I began to realize just how blessed I am.
Mat 5:3 "You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.
Mat 5:5 "You're blessed when you're content with just who you are--no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought.
Mat 5:8 "You're blessed when you get your inside world--your mind and heart--put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. | | |
| It's been awhile since I've posted here. I've been pretty busy lately, or at least, haven't been up to posting in here. But life's been good. God's been good. And so many things have happened lately to remind me of that. That no matter how many times I mess up, he forgives.
No matter how many times I fall, he's always there to pick me up.
No matter how many chances I take for granted, he's always there to give me another chance.
No matter how many times I feel things are out of my control, HE is IN CONTROL.
No matter whether or not I feel him, he is there. | | |
| Not too long ago, I couldn't wait to step into another chapter of life. Couldn't wait to get out of the house, couldn't wait to get school over with, couldn't wait to go to college, couldn't wait to start earning money, couldn't wait for INDEPENDENCE. Everything I did was geared to "breaking free" from the monotony of daily life. As a result, I was never satisfied with what I had. I doggedly pushed myself in my studies with only one goal in mind.
I wanted to start anew. I was tired of school, tired of life at home, tired of where I was. I wanted to run away and start all over again, forgetting broken dreams, unachieved goals, and mistakes made.
These last few weeks as I see God working in me and as I allow him to refresh and renew me again, my mindset about many things began to change. Old mentalities began to crumble and looking back, I once again have to admit that I have been stupid, blind, and proud. But yes, each day I as allow Him to change me more and as I receive and accept his forgiveness, things begin to change. Not ourwardly at first, maybe, but from within. Changes of heart. A change of attitudes and perspectives.
Today, looking at what I have, my heart overflows with thankfulness. My life has not been perfect, but it has been rich. I have been immensely blessed. I have so many privileges others are deprived of. The experiences I have been through have, each and every one, shaped me, taught me something, and brought me to where I am today. And nothing has changed - but I am content. For once in a long time, I am satisfied - no, more than satisfied - with the life I live. Incredibly thankful. For my parents and my brothers. For the friends I have. For my best friend. For YC. For my pastors. For my supervisors. For my classmates. For all the people who have made a difference in my life.
Just typing this out, I am reminded that it is not material possessions that will satisfy us. Even as I spontaneously typed out what I'm thankful for, I realized that all it consisted of was PEOPLE. Not my new bag or new clothes or CDs - it's the people I'm surrounded with daily and that too often, I take for granted. And being at this point in life where I feel richer than I've ever felt, I realize just how much I don't want to lose what I have.
My parents - despite the many times we've had misunderstandings or rows, at the end of the day, I know that's it's always them I can fall back on no matter what life may bring. And it's their irritating advice that I always remember when I'm going through difficult situations. And my brothers - no matter how irritating they may be, I can't imagine life without them.
My best friend - I've come close to losing him more than once. More than once, I've felt like giving up on the friendship. But it is he who has taught me the meaning of true friendship. Taught me that a real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Taught me that happiness shared is joy doubled, and burdens shared is sorrow reduced by half.
YC - I can't imagine not going to YC on Sundays. Every Sunday is something to look forward to. YC is where I feel like I belong. I step into YC, and I'm home.
My pastors - Rose and Judah are so incredibly anointed. Rose especially has been a great influence on me. Every time I look at her, I see the radiance of Christ. I see such an incredible tenderness and sensitivity to the things of God. And if there's anyone I look up to and admire more than anyone else, it would have to be her. The fact that she's my acc. leader for this year - I'm am thankful beyond words.
My supervisors - Pastor Jackie and Sher-Mayne. I feel blessed just to know them. Pastor Jackie defines the words patience, tolerance, compassion, mercy, and kindness just by the way she runs the school. I highly doubt that you could find a cooler teacher in any other hs center in KL. As for Sher-Mayne, she has been such an inspiration to me. Through the real, honest way in which she shares, her blog posts, and her just by her example, I've learnt many things.
My classmates - I'm going to miss them when I graduate. Yes, each and every one of them. From the rowdy junior boys to the sometimes sweet, annoying-at-times little girls who look up to me as their 'che che' to each unique, distinct individual of the senior class, each with their own 'special-ness' that I've seen in the short six months I've spent with them... I regret spending so much time with my head buried in my books instead of taking the time to build relationships. I have two months left, and I pray that I will be able to make the most of them. I don't want to be remembered just as the 'crazy girl' who did so many books or got high grades... I want to be remembered as more than that. I want to be remembered as a friend.
Truly, when you begin to see things through heaven's eyes, you are able to see people as God would see them. I am able to love as Jesus would. And it has nothing to do with my 'holiness' or 'righteousness' but everything to do with Him.
Chapters in life... I have come to a point where I'm no longer concerned with moving on, neither do I regret how far I've come. It's this point in life where I'm completely satisfied with where I am, and where I find complete fulfillment just in who He is. Not my achievements anymore. And as the divine Author continues to write out the chapters yet untold in my life, I can only pray that I will be able to continue prayerfully trusting Him, humbly seeking His will for me, and gratefully living in his grace and mercies that are new every morning.
| | |
|
